Ending last year, i had started a morning routine where I wake up 5:30am and do everything on my to do lists for the morning before going about my day. But somehow along the line i swerved and went back to being so unproductive. maybe it was my anxiety kicking in but it wasn’t, I was just scared of change! but how could I be scared of this “good change” I thought to myself.
I had also applied for my masters in 2022 which means if accepted, I’d resume by fall 2023 but I got denied the scholarship and was asked to reapply for Fall 2024 which i did and somehow I thought “there’s no way I wouldn’t get it this time around, they can’t deny me scholarship twice not after asking me to reapply”. It was 2nd April, 2024 and I had just woken up from a really long afternoon nap, I decided to check my email and behold there was an email waiting for me “A decision on your application has been made” with trembling hands i tapped on it, entered my password.. while reading, the only word I could see was “we are “denying” you admission for fall 2024.” No, it can’t be possible! For the second time? Why?? I was going to get this! It was so obvious so what is going on?. You mean I’ll have to wait 2 years? Tears rolled down my cheek as the thoughts kept on being loud in my head.. someone please silence the noise, I can’t bear it anymore!.
I wanted to talk to God and tell him how angry i was cause why did he let this happen? But I couldn’t do that. Yes I was mad but I can’t possibly be mad at God, I couldn’t be ungrateful just cause he denied me one thing I genuinely wanted and had asked him for. But did I pray to him for a while? No, did I let him talk to me? No. Did I study the word? No.. then I guess I really was angry.. C’mon Kiki, get over it. I guess it was more difficult to get over it because it wasn’t just about going for my masters for me, it was about leaving to a new country and city, it was about a fresh start, it was about new friends and community.. oh I really wanted that brand new start.. i was denied the fresh start I so much wanted.
Coming online, I see how everyone I knew was “doing better” than i am in every area. My mates getting their money up, having loving relationships, standing on business, growing businesses, going for their masters. And here I was not even knowing what I was doing. I mean, I’m in my mid twenties how could I still not know what to do from here. Did I not have a plan B? There! the anxiousness started to kick in. OH my God, why am i sweating profusely? Why is my heart racing and my stomach rumbling.. am I about to faint? Oh, I’m just anxious, I’m so scared, I don’t want to fail!. What do i do? Somebody help!..
I made a choice to stay off social media for a while and be better. Did it work? Not as i thought it would but we’re definitely getting somewhere.
I suddenly found the courage to talk to God and all I said was “please give me a word”
And he gave me “Jeremiah 29:11” but it came as a sermon from “Ebenezer Quaye” with the title “Keep your hope” I listened keenly and I understood that “sometimes, I will have plans for my life and how I wanted it to go but that doesn’t mean that’s what God wants for me” and in the sermon Ebenezer said and I quote:
There are desires that God has for us and there are the desires that “we” have for us and then there’s “OUR HOPE”. We need to take our hope out of the desires “we” have for us and put them in the desires “God” has for us. Examine what you’ve put your hope in.
This hit right where it was supposed to, I suddenly realized that I had put my hope in the desires that I wanted for myself, forgetting that God has his own desires for me. This brought me back to SURRENDER.
Surrendering everything else including my thoughts, my plans for my life, my business, my finances just about everything. Letting him know that I am not holding unto them but unto him. I might not get all that i want right now, my plans might not be what I get to attain right now but I am learning to “trust” that His plans are way better than mine.
And this brings me back to Habakuk 2:3
“For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the last it shall speak and not lie: though it tarry, wait: for it shall surely come”
So even if His plans doesn’t work in my own timeline, I know that, there’s still a plan which is for an appointed time. And it will definitely come to pass no matter how long. The human in me wants to still say “please don’t take too long so I don’t lose my mind”
But: Hope produces “Faith” and faith produces “Endurance” which leads to “the Promise”
I know that I might not have it all now, I know that I’m definitely waiting now, I know that I don’t even know what next to do, I might not have my money up, I might have been denied the scholarship, I might still be trying to see my business thrive, I might feel stuck, I might get really anxious, but there’s one thing I know and it’s that “I HAVE A GOD”
I’m done feeling sorry for myself and I’m getting back in my routine, hitting the gym, staying prayed up and just following God and doing what I know how to do best “trust God” Yes the anxiety might kick in, but it won’t get the better part of me..
Definitely, most of you are going through anxiety and pressure because you’re in your 20’s like me. And me encouraging you now might sound bizarre cause I’m also dealing with anxiety but I’ll still tell you “keep going, be in the word, never stop praying, be tired and angry it’s okay, be afraid but still push through and do it afraid, SHOW UP! You’ll be glad you did”.
Let me pray for you;
Heavenly Father, we humbly bow before you today and we reverence you because you are our God. Today we are here before you because sometimes we get anxious and most of us don’t know what to do, most of us even feel stuck and we know the enemy is trying to pull us into feeling sorry for ourselves, but today we set ourselves loose from this bondage and we ask that you please pull us through. Help us to understand that you know best and you have great plans for us, help us to trust you even when we don’t understand. Help us to follow you even if it means following you blindly. Help me us to seek you first. Help us to let go of every fear and anxiety that we are holding on to. Hold our hands father and don’t let us go. Today we ask for peace, a peace that transcends all human understanding, a peace that comes from you alone, let that peace rest on us. Help us to practice gratitude regardless. Help us to get up! Even when we swerve from our lane, please bring us right back on track God. Help us that amidst all that we go through May we never forget that we have you right by our side cheering us on. Help us not to forget all that you’ve done for us. Please silence the noise in our hearts and help us to listen to your soothing voice.
Thank you because you are setting us free and bringing us to the light.
Have your way great God that you are, in Jesus Name. Amen .,
if this blessed you, please let me know in the comment section or you can DM me. I love you and I’m rooting for you.
Yours,
Kiekie 🫧🎀